New year, same old me, hu u?

The past three hundred and sixty-four days was a series of ups and downs filled with learning and life changing moments.

I opened my 2017 by finally leaving a job that was able to open a huge window for me – so huge, that at first I felt so small. So small that I felt like I was shrinking every waking day. But I didn’t let that affect me. Or at least I pretended not to let it affect me. It was hard at first but, look at me now, satisfied and grateful with where I am right now. The feeling of content is finally just around the corner.

This 2017, I spiraled down. I felt helpless and hopeless. I felt like I was no one, like I didn’t matter. But with courage and a bit of pep talk, I finally took the first step. And yes, I know I still have 99 more steps to climb but I will get there, I will get better. Slowly but surely (I hope!).

This 2017, I learned how to segregate. Not trash, but people. I was finally able to distinguish fake from real. And with that, I was able to build my own support system. My system consists of few but [very] important people in my life. I won’t name names, but you should know who you are 🙂

And finally, this 2017, I learned how to trust and forgive myself. I have committed a lot of mistakes this year (work-wise) but just recently learned to forgive myself. I’m not a perfect human being and I guess making mistakes is part of being human.

This coming 2018, I’d still be the same person, only a bit better. As I said, I’m climbing up the ladder of getting better. Still far from there, but I’ll get there.

This coming 2018, I would like to apologize in advance if I end up treating you, my fake friends, like a piece of trash. It’s probably because 1) you treated me like trash (or at least that’s how I felt) and/or 2) you  are a trash (it may be your attitude or physically or better, both).

This coming 2018, I’m excited to build new memories with family and friends.

2017 thanks for everything – opportunities, friends for keeps (old and new), memories, learning and challenges.

2018, I’m excited for you. I’m also still waiting for my prince charming.

XO

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cinderella source: https://www.polyvore.com/cinderella_sketch/thing?id=125889647

Adios, 2016! Hola, 2017!

This year was pretty incredible – or might I say daring – for me. And I’m pretty thankful for all these unforgettable events that helped me grow; may it be a happy or sad event. Either way, I’m thankful for both.

This year was actually eventful for a lazy person like me. LOL.

This year, I got to experience some time away from my family for work. I was assigned to cover an event for my job in Cebu for a week. For someone like me who’s not used to spending time away from my family, this was a big thing. I was able to survive that week and also got to know more about now one of my close friends, Dessa. Everything that happened there was truly magical, it was a week filled with blessings and realizations.

 

This year, one of my best friends got engaged!! And I couldn’t be any happier for Izza and JC. Izza has been one of my longest friends since grade school. I know her wedding is not until sometime in 2018 but I am very very excited for that. I’m also happy that I got to meet new people and make new friends. For an introvert like me, that is a very big thing!

This year, I was able to be adventurous and daring. Well just a little bit of both. But who cares, at least I did something worthwhile.

I don’t really love the beach but, because we -and by we, I mean me and my officemates- got sick of the city and of our 9 to 5 jobs, we decided to go on a one day escape – to an island. 4 hours away from the metro. With no sleep at all, we basked in the sun and fell in love with mother nature. I have never seen so many blues and greens and whites my entire life. It was pure joy being in mother nature’s arms that day. And after that, I have been longing for the sea.

I also do not like doing daring stuff such as gun shooting or archery. But heck, I did both this year. Oh hell yass. I got scared of gun shooting. I was only able to shoot a total of 10 bullets. Then I stopped because I was shaking, and per usual, the sound made me panic. Archery was a lot of fun. I’d do it every single day. It was a bit scary at first but at least, no recoil afterwards. Felt like I was Legolas’ sidekick. LOL. How I wish!!!

2016 was also all about learning how to take time off and chill. And so I did that.. with my officemates who are my best friends also. We were able to celebrate Christmas the way we wanted.. by just being ourselves. Our crazy selves.

So there. I had a pretty crazy year. The year of realizing stuff (as Kylie Jenner would say). Because this year, I was able to realize that I have a worth, that I have people I can count on, I have people always waiting for me with open arms. And also, it was this year that I found people I know I will never let go. And finally, I think, I have finally moved on.. and have met a wonderful guy who doesn’t even know I have feelings for him. HAHAHA.

So, adios 2016, thanks for the challenges! HELLO 2017, I AM READY FOR MORE.

Cheers!

fireworks image source: texarkana emergency center

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Let me paint you a picture ~

I wake up during dawn with my surrounding swirling. I hear the birds singing a happy song, I feel the breeze kiss my cheek. Time to get up, I tell myself. I stood under the cold shower, hoping this would wash away the pain i feel every time I wake up. I close my eyes and contemplate on how my day is suppose to run. Apparently, the pain is still there. It doesn’t want to leave me. It will never leave me.

I quickly eat -or at least try- what’s prepared for me, bid everyone good bye while flashing them a fake smile. They think I’m ok. I try to be. I don’t wanna hurt them. I get in my car and start my 45 minute journey to work. The weather’s confused, I tell myself. Like everyone else, I guess. Like me.

The pain still lingers. I needed someone to push me out of the car, to start walking to work. But no one will. No one. I’m all alone. I need to push myself. And so I did.

A cheery hello greeted me. It was the happy guard. Why can’t I be as cheerful as him? Why do I have to be sad? Why do I have to be in pain, I asked. No answer. Guess I got to live with this.

At last, I get to work. Before I open the door and step inside, I practiced smiling. This should work, I say. This should at least mask the pain I feel. The sadness that covers me.

I spend 9 hours staring blankly at the computer screen. Unconsciously laughing at jokes while consciously feeling the pain that blankets my chest. What do I do now with my life? I ask. No answer. I got to continue figuring out what to do with my life alone.

It’s 6 pm. Time to go home. I watch the sky turn from blue, to pink, to a little orange-y. Ah, I survived another day of pain. I hurriedly drive home to see my family – the most important people in my life. I’m still here because of them. I tell myself.

Then I realize, they’re worth every pain I feel every time I wake up. I see them welcome me with open arms every time I get out of my car. Then would feel the pain gone. Their hugs are like pain killers. Temporary pain killers, but it’s okay. At least, they’re there to constantly give me relief from pain.

Random Chronicles | 2

There are times when you’re not supposed to be random but you can’t help it but be random. Like now.. when I’m supposed to be working my ass off and pretending to be an adult. Adulting is so hard. Can anyone give me a handbook on how to be an adult? Anyway,

Reading

It’s kind of a funny story by Ned Vizzini. Here’s to hoping, this would sort of help me with my life.

Listening

Morning Stroll playlist on Spotify. Specifically listening to Someday we’ll know by Mandy Moore and Jonathan foreman. Feel good songs that hopefully can make me feel good.

Thinking

of quitting, how to get through this day alive and seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist. If money permits.

Smelling

my coffee.

Wishing

to go on a vacation. I have been saying this for the past 6 months. Nothing is happening.

Hoping

to be ok. Soon.

Wearing

gray skirt, white top, red jacket. It rained this morning. So I decided to wear something appropriate for the weather.

Loving

nothing in particular.

Needing

a vacation.

Feeling

stressed.

Random Chronicles | 1

Being random on a not so random day.

So today marks the 30th anniversary of the EDSA 1 revolution. The government decided to make it a holiday so people can properly commemorate the anniversary. After all, at least everyone should know/learn about EDSA revolution.

Also, forever grateful for a mid-week break. Even though I have tons of work to do. Sigh.

Anyway, here’s this week Random Chronicles Vol. 1

Reading

Colorless Tsukuri Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage by Haruki Murakami. My first of many Murakami.

Listening

Between the Pines (Acoustic Mixtape) by Sam Hunt. Love this man’s voice, songs and face. Lumbersexy is the new sexy everyone.

Thinking

of what to work on first. Been staring at my work laptop for the past hour. Been having a hard time constructing sentences.

Smelling

nothing in particular. Hehe.

Wishing

that I’m on a vacation 😦 Europe please.

Hoping

to finish all that I need to do!

Wearing

green boxers and red oversized t-shirt. Hehe. Christmas colors??

Loving

my owl coffee cup. Hoot, hoot!

Needing

a vacation. And new specs.

Feeling

stressed. Been physically, mentally and emotionally stressed lately 😦

That is all for now. Hang on there everyone, it’s already friday tomorrow! Yipee!  🙂

Adios, 2015

new-year-greetingsThis year has been eventful, sad, a little depressing and the year I met the horrible quarter life crisis.

I started off this year with a big smile, claiming that this year would be my year. My family and I even saw Pope early this year. I told myself that was a good sign. My year will be a blast. At least it was. For the first half.

Second half was a nightmare..

This year was the year we almost lost papa. I thank God that He gave papa another chance to live, to be with us, and to see us grow. I’m glad that I had friends to talk to during that time.

This was the year that I always had to flash a fake smile; to show everyone I’m okay. When, I’m really not. This was the year when being alone and feeling lonely made me truly happy.

Despite being depressed and sad most of the time, I’m also happy because two of my close friends tied the know this year. I’m glad I was there to witness that.

Despite having a rough 2015, I still have a lot to thank for. Thank YOU and Thank You Lord. I will never stop thanking the Lord for all His blessings.

2015, you were truly a challenge. 2016, I don’t think I am ready for more. But I will accept you with open arms.

Happy New Year, everyone! Cheers to 2016.